it’s from a million things.

stress. cortisol. hormones. 

not saying no ever. 

not knowing you deserve better.

yeah - there’s sugar and carbs and too much of everything, and secret eating and drinking and crying. 

and a lot of toxic spills on your heart.

but things change - they can and they will. the messes get cleaned up one by one till everything shifts and feels different. inside, outside, all around. 

when you're in love, the world is shiny and bright and food seems unnecessary. 

life is full and satisfying and complete. 

but when love gets broken, the cracks go wide and the empty places go deep, and seem impossible to fill.

you can get fat over it -  if you try to stop the pain. 

start where you are. 

hold on. tight. to something. your cat or your journal or the view out the window. find a place that's quiet and still and remember.

you will remember. you're worth it. worth believing in. worth taking care of.

even if the only one taking care of you, is you.

the lies you've been telling yourself? talk to them. they were there for a reason.

in some weird, wonderful way they were trying to keep you safe - from the big, scary world you landed in. 

everyone has 15 gangsters living in their head. 

the world isn't a bad place. it’s just not perfect. it’s messy.

it’s hot and dry and freezing and warm and blizzardy and tempestuous. it’s true and honest and mostly chock full of pros, and a few cons.

it's black and white and red and green. and so are you.

and when the grass grows, i hear it smile.